I’ve been “sitting” on this post for the last 5 days or so. I thought there would be this moment where life corrected itself and would make sense. I am coming to terms with the reality of His plan.
In June of this year, an incident happened in my life…it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve had a fairly tough year in comparison to any year but I had remained in church. I allowed the “June Incident” to make a home for fear, doubt and shallow faith. I stopped attending church and after months, it made it so much harder to return back. I never dealt with the incident, never spoke to a counselor….even my parents are unaware . I found comfort in feeling that I was “doing fine” and remained in control. It is now November and unbeknownst to me….I have not been “just fine”.
I would read my bills, place them to the side and not address them. My sleeping habits changed. I felt sad and God seemed silent. I felt alone and like a disappointment to my Father. I was pulled to the side by my manager who shared with me that my work performance had changed and wanted to know if something had happened in my life. OH…It took it ALL for me to not pour out all my tears and heart.
I decided to speak with my licensing agent about my struggles. WELL…..He listened and provided comfort…even ministered to me in my time of need. Once he was done, He told me that HE is the one who would do my adoption home study. ( JAW DROPS) He emphasized to me how great of a mom I have been to my Stinky but under the circumstances of what’s been shared, He could not recommend me as an adoptive placement. He made it clear that it was MY choice to pursue but he did let his stance be known. I had been delaying the adoption paperwork for almost 2.5 weeks now. Stinky has been yelling at her teachers, throwing herself on the ground having fits….I even got called to pick her up from daycare because she threw a chair! This may be how some children are….but this had not been my Stinky since a YEAR ago. I look at her in disbelief……4 visits with mom…2 hrs…supervised…and here we are. So, NO…I didn’t want to do paperwork for adoption! I want to get my house settled. I want to be able to dress her without it turning into an ordeal before I had to a homestudy .
It was such a huge decision and my heart is heavy. However, I do understand the points of my licensing agent and I do need to take care of Catherine for a while. So, I decided to not go forward with adoption paperwork. I notified her caseworker who’s only response was that there was a form for me to sign saying that I will not adopt. (The rights of either parent has yet to be severed because it has to go to mediation and trial etc. )
Today the caseworker is coming over to have me sign this form. I have a heart of mixed emotions. When I attempt to look at the situation from the outside, I see a woman who prayed for direction. She spoke her heart to someone she didn’t realize had a hand in the decision, and who was also able to comfort and speak the Word of God to her in her hurt. God knew the weight and He took it off and hugged me. We still have a road ahead of us….and although it seems to be a blind walk..if I knew it all….I wouldn’t rely on Him, I couldn’t regrow my faith in Him, His timing, or His divine appointments. Despite how it may feel at times, knowing in part is a blessing.
Tags: adoption, decisions, Faith, foster care, God, heart, honesty, hurt, love, plan, sad
I always give her two kisses on the forehead after our night prayers. She grabbed my head and gave me one back last night. It melted all my heart.
Her face when she saw this HUGE 3D Princess obstacle course bouncer was absolutely priceless. She is one happy camper and she hasn’t even got this yet….
Happy 4th birthday, Stinky Fairy 😍
If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I’ve had my Stinky for about 14 months. She initally had visits with bio parent for about 3 months on and off and then visits were stopped. She went 8 months without visits up until early September when the judge decided to restart visits with bio parent and initiate visits at the prison with the other bio parent. I was told the judge’s justification was that the case plan could not be “reunification” and yet not allow them to see their child. I was told that visits had ended because 1 bio parent was not complying to treatment plan (even up until now) and the other had an order of protection. So, I was in UTTER shock when the judge awarded visits to the parents to start ASAP.
It was work getting my Stinky to the place where she looked and was happy! She seemed carefree and like a child. She was so far from the lifeless, pale child who spoke about demons and screamed all throughout the night. It was 8 months before we seemed to be in “cruise control”. My Stinky only had FOUR 2 hr supervised visits with her bio parent and I am in awe of the effects. At first, it was like a heaviness was laid on her. She was so tearful and easily upset all the time. She was waking up crying during the night. I was thankful when she began to sleep throughout the night again. She made a very sexually graphic comment (and acted it out). It turns out CPS already had a report of her being around sexual activities. Why would I need to know, right?
Real quick: CPS was at my home the same day the allegation was made against me to the police. Fast foward to me contacting the police re: sexual remarks etc (at the direction of the case worker)…NO ONE has came to investigate, made a phone call….ZIP ..until a month later! The detective calls me twice and then apparently searches the database and contacts my parents’ home! She leads into the conversation saying, ” I don’t want you to be worried, you’re not in trouble.” Clearly, that is more appropriate than stating you are calling to initiate the investigation.
INSERT 5 MINUTE DRAMATIC PAUSE.
I have so much more to say regarding that whole interaction but I will just……breathe.
Moving on….we are about a month + out from the visits being stopped. My poor Stinky threw a tantrum that I have not seen since LAST November. She’s had 5 + pee accidents in a week. She had gone months & months without even 1 accident. She has become so oppositional and teary again. I think back on where she was and I just shake my head! I came into foster care to provide love, guidance and safety for a child at a time. I learned the limits of my protection when the judge decided against the professional recommendations of the therapist, GAL and the caseworker to restart the visits. I can’t protect her from the system. My voice only goes so far. My heart gets so heavy that I could not shield her and prevent the confusion, pain and saddness that a 3 year old can’t even articulate. Everyone is quick to say she will bounce back but no one knows that for sure. In her eyes, she’s had Mommy taken at least 3 times. My heart aches for her as I try not to allow my own emotions and her behaviors to sway my thoughts on adoption. I honestly don’t think I would even continue to do foster care. I just refuse to watch US set a child up to fail. We are the ones that are suppose to be protecting her. I can’t be a part of another childs undoing…
I’m in this awkward internal struggle between what I really want to say and believe I should feel…. They are completely opposite right now. In the spiritual sense, I know that I am human and quick to make vital decisions based off temporal feelings. The answer: consult God. If He is silent, you be still. Imagine weeks, months, maybe more passing…and still no word for your situation. What a test of faith/obedience, when He is silent. I feel like a child hoping to press her ear against her parent’s door and learn some special surprise….
I just don’t know which door.
This weekend I went out and had FUN! My parents watched my Stinky and I got to shake off some of this stress. It’s been about 14 months in this case. Please tell me I’m not the only one who wants to ignore all the calls to schedule visits for the licensing agent and case worker and therapist every month. This doesn’t include the CPS workers coming out for the investigation. I’ve had to make an attitude adjustment! I am soooo tired of people in and out of my home. I understand that this comes with the package but I’m still over it ! This case has dragged and there’s still more time to pass. The case worker is estimating about another 4 months or so which translates to 6 months to me. She also said that I won’t know if I’m the official placement until after the trial is completed. I am not a fan of being in “limbo” but this is our reality for now.
On to fun news! I’ve almost finished the gift bags for the birthday party! I purchased her tutu and now just need to make her 4 shirt. I am so so excited. I bought her a Dora fiesta kitchen that she is going to freak over. She has no idea how awesome this birthday will be.
Tags: adoption, attitude, birthday, black woman, court, foster care, fun, limbo, love, pinterest, single, tired
I can honestly say that I am SILLY pumped about my Stinky’s upcoming birthday!! This is the beginning of a lollipop centerpiece I’m creating for her birthday party. I found it on Pinterest of course. The theme is Tutus and Bow Ties ! Her birthday isn’t even this month but……why wait ?? I’m thinking of purchasing her a little kitchen or doll dream house. In other news, court is around the corner. Keep the case in your prayers.
If love was a color, it’d be a mixture of them all and yet still be distinctively its own.
I love my little precious. She enjoyed our girl time and loved the Cloudy Meatball movie. She hasn’t been asking for her mama lately. It’s been 3 weeks now since she’s last seen her. She is so resilient. God is good.
Our exchange this morning :
Stinky: Ms.Cafrine, are you happy?
Me: Yes, I’m happy! Are you happy?
Stinky: Yeah, I’m happy.
Me: Why? (Not my usual follow up)
Stinky: Because I’m happy and you’re happy.
COMPLETELY melted my little heart and she had no idea that I’m surprising her with girl time today! Yep, we’re going to the little kiddie pizza and games spot and then Cloudy with a chance of meatballs 2 !
I can’t wait to see her face.