My best friend (of the last 10 years) and I had been toying around with the idea of packing up and moving to the East Coast or the South. You couldn’t persuade us one bit that we’d stay unmarried for long with all the chocolate living in those areas. Phoenix has not been kind and we were ready for a refreshing change. We’ve had that discussion for maybe the last 3 years? Following, , I knew that the move could happen much sooner. I was already contemplating still moving across country with my Stinky when the plan was for me to adopt. It was such a “safe” thought because that’s all it ever was… I was slightly fearful of leaving my family and the control I believed I had in my life. A few weeks after that pivotal day, my best friend and I revisited our plans to move. I had secretly been leaning a completely different direction but had not yet shared it with her. I also would need to rent or sale my home.
I could write 10 blogs on how ONE person can fill a house w/n five years and not know where to start packing/selling/organizing to sale it. I literally want to open the doors of my home and have people just purchase items and take them home that day. I am so overwhelmed trying to do this alone. RANT OVER. House is scheduled to be listed on this Saturday. (NO, It’s not MY ready smh).
I usually am able to multitask very well. However, I could not pack up my home, facilitate Stinky’s move to an adoptive home AND be sane all at the same time. In pure Catherine fashion, I shut down and told the realtor to reschedule the list date or cancel the contract. She was starting to pressure me into listing it during that time and I was over it…and her.
Moving on….one evening, I mentioned how awesome it would be to travel to my best friend. She is graduating with her Master’s (on Friday!!!). We are both single and now childless. Why not?? The response I got back was an overwhelming YES. We immediately started researching requirements/best places/safe places/salary/cost of living and etc. The plan is that we stay together…same school, (at least same city) and same area of living. We have decided to pack up our American way of living for an opportunity to teach English abroad! I am in the VERY beginning but I will be blogging about the process. Prayerfully, in August/September, I will be blogging to you from…..South Korea!
In honor of my Stinky’s favorite song:
“And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through” – “Let It Go” from Disney’s Frozen
(INSERT LARGE SMILE HERE). You would have thought the love of my entire life had entered that restaurant yesterday! I really wanted to be “self contained” and give my hugs to the D family and then start catching up with my Stinky. WELP… maybe better luck next time. I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my body when she was in reach. I can’t even type this without a fountain of tears. ………………………………………….
It was like…Christmas morning.
I cried for about the first 5-10 minutes. She would look at me and hug me and then repeat. She said, “Ms. Catherine, you’re here.” I can’t articulate the love and hurt I felt in those words. I will try to revisit it when I’m not a flood of emotions. Every time she hugged me and gave me a kiss was LOVE. Everything motherly in me was aching and celebrating simultaneously.
Being a mother has allowed me to experience a new type of love. I knew that I loved her…but not seeing her for 2 weeks put all types of stamps on that. I felt “normal” for a moment but I don’t regret my decision. It is so transparent to me that my role was to facilitate a blessing. There is no room for guilt in being obedient to the Father. He has His angels in place to comfort me and His love is unmatchable. He has designed the plan for our lives.
I’m sitting at a table waiting for the D family and my Stinky! I can hardly stand myself right now…my heart is racing and I’m tearing up. I am so freaking nervous/anxious/excited. I just can’t wait. I can’t wait to hold her ♡♡♡♡♡
I’m a nurse, so my days at work are full. I always called the daycare to check on my Stinky though. Now that she is gone, I still find myself glancing at the clock to see if it’s time for me to check on her. Then I remember. ..she’s not with me anymore. My ride to and from work has changed. My “things to do when I get home” list has changed. The sound of my house has changed. Everything feels. ….changed. I’m trying to remember what did I do before I became a mom. What filled my time before I decided to take this journey?
Tonight has been a tougher one. I haven’t fought my tears. I’ve just let my heart cry. I miss my Stinky Fairy.
I had loved my family, friends and a man…but never had experienced loving as a mother. Being a mother has made me more appreciative of love and the bonds that we create with one another. It has also taught me the dangers of holding on to love that is unhealthy and the space required to facilitate that for someone you love even if that someone is you.
I’ve been tossing an idea in my head for the last week or so now regarding my blog. I started this blog about two years ago once I had completed my PS-MAPPs course. It has journeyed with me through the licensing process, the arrival of my Stinky Fairy and her transition to an adoptive home. As we all know, the blog is titled, “A Tale of Puddin, Tigger & the Blessing”. She was/IS the “Blessing”. Tigger was my cat of six years. He was not fond of Blessing and had to be moved out within months of her coming. “Puddin” is my nickname. Well, once you take out Tigger and Blessing….it only leaves ME. I had a light bulb moment…the name of my blog doesn’t reflect my life anymore.
Yes, I could roll with “A Tale of Puddin” but it just doesn’t reflect the state of my mind or heart these days. I have so many emotions about the present state of my life. As I mentioned in my prior post, being a mother has changed me. The thing about being a mom…is there usually isn’t a grey area. Yet, I am in this shady zone….a childless mother. I know that she is loved and that makes it 100 times better for my soul. It’s my heart that tends to wonder under it’s own stormy cloud. I know that God is a Comforter so in the cloudy moments, I silent my thoughts and focus on the positive. I focus on the journey ahead that includes Blessing and her new family. I focus on being proud of a “job well done”. I focus on how being a mom has changed me into a different woman. It has been a catalyst in many ways for me. The new name for my blog became a given.
I hope that my followers remain with me but I understand if not. Welcome to my new journey…the ripple effect of my heart, mind and soul being altered because
In a few more days, I will be home and face to face with reality. I’m thinking about my “old life”, life as a foster mom and the life to come. It is very clear…being a mother has changed me. It’s had multiple effects but I will share one today.
I feel BRAVE. This time of being a single foster mom and ALL that comes with the title known and unknown has made me less fearful. I feel refreshed in my own purpose and more comfortable in expressing my desires.
Story time: My sister is fearful of the water. I am in love with it. I wanted to get in the ocean and just swim but it would have to be alone. I hesitated, stripped to my bathing suit and jumped in! It was so empowering to rebel against my thoughts. I got in there and let the currents take me away. I dug my feet in the sand and I fell in in the waves. I felt free. I let a woman put 3 parrots on my body for pictures (would have been a no go before). These are not great feats but changing your mindset that lead to these experiences IS.
“Yesterday, I was a Mom”. Today, I look forward to going home and starting a new chapter where I am brave for me.
It felt all so quick but God’s plan is never wrong. I have my sad moments but overall I am enjoying Hawaii. Sun, beach and Long Islands…… OH..Thank You,Lord for my sister also. I brushed her hair last night….before bed actually….(awkward pause)…maybe it’s my mommy withdrawls? She’s so sweet that she just let me do it. She’s about to be 27 My original baby.
I arrived to pick up my Stinky Fairy around 1040 this morning. It is becoming our “normal” for Mrs.D and I to chat for a while…which ended with Stinky and I not leaving until 1 pm. We click so well that the time just flies. Stinky had done well with her overnight. She started to do some pouting and just seem overall easily upset maybe an hour into me being there. Mrs.D said that was Stinky’s first time showing those behaviors. I told her that considering it was her and I there with Stinky…she could just have A LOT of feelings and heck…..who wouldn’t?? Stinky would lie on “Mom” and then lie on me. She literally went back and forth a few times and it didn’t feel awkward but I do think she felt torn in some ways. Stinky bounced back though and was fine with leaving with me. She did start crying once we were down the road. She was crying, “Mommy” but in a few minutes she was asleep. I PROMISE you…if that child cried even a minute more, I was pulling over and calling Mrs.D ! I refuse to see her hurting or revisiting memories of when she was separated from her bio mom.
So…what in the world do you do on your last “full” day with your little one?? We went to see Frozen which was crazy awesome…went out for dinner…went home and watched another movie at her request. It was awesome and sad…and happy. I had on some Jesus Culture (Kim Walker) and just having a moment with the Lord…which she has seen multiple times. I was crying and just worshipping Him. My Stinky puts her forehead on mine and lifts up my chin. It was such a sweet gesture that felt like so much more. It was like God was giving me comfort through the one person in reach of me. It was beautiful.
I work my 12 hr shift tomorrow and then pick her up at night. The next day will be the meeting at my home with the caseworker, therapist, and the D family. My Stinky will take the last of her belongings and basically be officially moved over. It was the weirdest packing up her belongings and bringing toys over to the new house.
I’m sure there’s the potential to make my recent posts sound really deep/intellectual…but sometimes the heart gets lost in translation.
As I reflect on my time as a single foster mom…there have definitely been rough days. However, these last few days dealing with the move of Stinky to her adoptive placement has been overwhelming. My parents and friends do care about me…but they have their own lives. It would be so awesome to not cry alone….to have that undivided love/time/hug from someone who is sharing this heavy mixture of emotions.
…………………Nonetheless, that is not my case. I’m sitting in an empty house scrolling through the pictures sent by the soon to be adoptive mom of Stinky’s first overnight. She is doing beautifully. Stinky looks like she is on cloud 9. She has even started calling them “mom” and “dad”. My heart feels very full.
This couple has been trying to have children for 10 years. YES…10 years. I can’t even imagine the depth of those emotions. She has prayed and cried for this moment. She has felt like her prayers were unheard at times. She shared that with me. Who knew that 18 months ago, her Blessing would enter foster care and my home? The process of healing and molding would start for Blessing until she was right where He wanted her for this special family. Their home is licensed for adoption only so they would have never met Blessing initially. She had to be placed into a foster home and the case plan changed to severance/adoption before things would line up. Their blessing was happening behind the scenes. What an amazing love that God has for His children. I feel completely overwhelmed with love and peace. The sad moments come but the big picture is breathtaking. Her prayers were not forgotten or unanswered.. .even in 10 years time. What a magnificent love He has for us.