This post is related to 27 Days to 32- A Reflection Series.
In 2016, for the 2nd time in my 31 years, I listened to someone pour out their love while rejecting mine in the same breath. It was also for the same reason. There was a woman who had/was expecting their child, so they had to leave. The first time was in 2007…and I wasn’t able to heal my heart because I was still tending to his heart. His marriage was troubled and like any best friend would…. I tried to provide helpful suggestions like counseling and a listening ear. Fast forward to 2016, I found myself in a similar situation. It felt like someone had dug in the lowest parts of my heart and brought forward all my unresolved pain. It was now unresolved pain and sadness coupled with my new hurt. The two hurts essentially merged into one ridiculously large and debilitating heartbreak.
I cried…I lost sleep…I called out of work…I zoned out at work…my place was a mess. I was struggling to function and on weekends…. I was a wreck. One day, I realized my thoughts to “toughen myself” were actually insensitive, false and negative. They were words I would never think to say to someone and especially not a loved one.
That day I realized my ability to sort through the pain was limited. I decided to seek counseling. As a nurse…as a perfectionist…as a black woman, it was a struggle to initiate contact with a counselor. If you recall the situation, my relationship with God took a major hit. As a result, I decided it would be best for me to attend counseling at a church. I found a peer counselor who was not licensed but had relevant degrees and experience. By the conclusion of our 6 sessions, I was hoping she’d let me continue. It was clarifying to share my emotions and thoughts with someone who was neutral, a good listener and able to provide reflection and spiritual guidance.
This post has been difficult to publish so I hope it is helpful for someone. I can officially say, “I went to counseling and lived to tell about it” . * insert wink*