I’ve had the adoptive mom’s number since the 6th. I’ve looked at it…multiple times…saw the line highlighted underneath it that means I can just click it and it will call her. I’ve looked at it for two days and then quickly exit from the screen. My eyes swell up, heart races and sweat starts building up at just the thought and I convince myself…..”not yet”.
Today….I felt heavy since I woke up this morning. I knew that today would not end without this phone call. I spoke to God and asked Him to be with me in this moment. I told Him how much I needed Him to carry me through. In my heart, I hear..” Trust Me”. Somewhere down this road, I forgot that He has loved and cared for her before she was even known to me. I realized this the moment I told Him that any hurt, any doubt, disappointment, pain, sadness or loneliness she may feel in response to me not adopting her..to move it from her and place it on me. I pleaded to God to let me bear it. I will hold it, Lord….even if it’s ten times over. Place it on me, God. As quickly as I had said it, God reminded me that’s HIS role. I am to cast my cares on Him. So…
I made the call and that phone rang forever. I left a voicemail and fought the anxiety that wanted to creep inside over the coming phone call. I am just at the verge of tears. My heart feels like a plugged up fountain and to top it all off……I turn 29 tomorrow.
*Of course, two hours later when I’m balling. ..She calls back! I tried my hardest to sound normal. The introduction is scheduled for tomorrow at 10 AM. *