The CPS Adoption agent came by today to discuss my Stinky. I immediately grabbed the Ben & Jerry’s out the fridge and quickly sat down. She asked me about Stinky’s favorite toys, things to do, her behaviors, and etc. Initially, the conversation was “easy” and then slowly a hard reality hit me dead in the chest. Contrary to what the caseworker said, this agent had already selected 6 potential homes for my Stinky . That threw me ALL the way off. The caseworker doesn’t know her. I asked her multiple questions about these homes she had selected. I gave my input based off what she could remember about the families. My Stinky definitely needs to be the youngest or only child. She then went to discuss the process of her transitioning. On the second visit, the parents and Stinky go for a brief visit alone. My heart skipped like 12 beats. You would have thought they were sending her with pedophiles. My heart and mind is screaming, “She can’t be left alone with strangers on the 2nd meeting??”
And then I remember……and my heart and mind struggle against each other. I know this is the best thing for her considering all factors. It’s just so heartbreaking and even more heavy because I made the decision. It was my difficult decision that led me to this moment. I know that I have to find peace and rest in His plan for her and me.
Yesterday while playing with a friend, Stinky said, ” My mommy didn’t make it safe but I wish that she did and now I won’t ever see her again!” Stinky has asked questions about her mom and I respond but she rarely digs deeper. So, to hear her open up to this child, so plainly and matter of fact….It hurt my heart but made me happy that she was understanding her situation. My Stinky is so smart and resilent.
Once the agent left…I went into my office, took a deep breath and on QUE my best friend called me. That was it….all I could do was cry. She literally sat there on speaker while I cried it out. I just kept praying for God to comfort me. It was all I knew to ask Him for. I’m a single foster parent….there is no one else to help me through this but Him. He won’t give me more than I can bear. This heart has been broken before….I thank God for being The Glue that holds me together. He fills all empty places.