My Stinky was crying in her sleep this morning which has been her usual since the second set of visits stopped. We’re lying in bed…in the calmest, sweetest moment. I look at her and MAN…if we could hear a heart break. I’ve been making small comments about her moving to a home with a mommy and daddy. This morning, amidst silent tears, I told her in the best and most honest way that she would not be living with me anymore. She didn’t seem phased but did keep saying, “But then I come back to your house, Ms. Cafrine?” It hurt past my heart to tell her NO.
In our time together, I’ve had to be clear that my role was a mommy to keep her safe, we could play and laugh together but I wasn’t her friend. I told her this morning that after she leaves, we can start to be friends and write letters. (I don’t know if the adoptive family will want any continued interaction.) I figured I shouldn’t make any promises until I have more information. Stinky says to me, “I know you always want me” and I told her that my heart always loves and wants her. She asked me if another child would be coming to my house. (Big question for a new 4 y/o!) I told her NO that she would be the only one. I asked for a hug because I was emotionally dying. I literally had to keep myself from breaking down in front of her. The lights were off so my emotional state remained secret. It’s been 17 months…what will I do.
My heart…..my heart. Lord, comfort me on this journey.