I’ve been “sitting” on this post for the last 5 days or so. I thought there would be this moment where life corrected itself and would make sense. I am coming to terms with the reality of His plan.
In June of this year, an incident happened in my life…it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve had a fairly tough year in comparison to any year but I had remained in church. I found comfort in feeling that I was “doing fine” and remained in control. It is now November and unbeknownst to me….I have not been “just fine”.
I would read my bills, place them to the side and not address them. My sleeping habits changed. I felt sad and God seemed silent. I felt alone and like a disappointment to my Father. I was pulled to the side by my manager who shared with me that my work performance had changed and wanted to know if something had happened in my life. OH…It took it ALL for me to not pour out all my tears and heart.
I decided to speak with my licensing agent about my struggles. WELL…..He listened and provided comfort…even ministered to me in my time of need. Once he was done, He told me that HE is the one who would do my adoption home study. ( JAW DROPS) He emphasized to me how great of a mom I have been to my Stinky but under the circumstances of what’s been shared, He could not recommend me as an adoptive placement. He made it clear that it was MY choice to pursue but he did let his stance be known. I had been delaying the adoption paperwork for almost 2.5 weeks now. Stinky has been yelling at her teachers, throwing herself on the ground having fits….I even got called to pick her up from daycare because she threw a chair! This may be how some children are….but this had not been my Stinky since a YEAR ago. I look at her in disbelief……4 visits with mom…2 hrs…supervised…and here we are. So, NO…I didn’t want to do paperwork for adoption! I want to get my house settled. I want to be able to dress her without it turning into an ordeal before I had to a homestudy .
It was such a huge decision and my heart is heavy. However, I do understand the points of my licensing agent and I do need to take care of Catherine for a while. So, I decided to not go forward with adoption paperwork. I notified her caseworker who’s only response was that there was a form for me to sign saying that I will not adopt. (The rights of either parent has yet to be severed because it has to go to mediation and trial etc. )
Today the caseworker is coming over to have me sign this form. I have a heart of mixed emotions. When I attempt to look at the situation from the outside, I see a woman who prayed for direction. She spoke her heart to someone she didn’t realize had a hand in the decision, and who was also able to comfort and speak the Word of God to her in her hurt. God knew the weight and He took it off and hugged me. We still have a road ahead of us….and although it seems to be a blind walk..if I knew it all….I wouldn’t rely on Him, I couldn’t regrow my faith in Him, His timing, or His divine appointments. Despite how it may feel at times, knowing in part is a blessing.