Adoptive Placement Transition · Foster Care

Knowing in Part

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I’ve been “sitting” on this post for the last 5 days or so. I thought there would be this moment where life corrected itself and would make sense. I am coming to terms with the reality of His plan.

In June of this year, an incident happened in my life…it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve had a fairly tough year in comparison to any year but I had remained in church. I found comfort in feeling that I was “doing fine” and remained in control. It is now November and unbeknownst to me….I have not been “just fine”.

I would read my bills, place them to the side and not address them. My sleeping habits changed. I felt sad and God seemed silent. I felt alone and like a disappointment to my Father. I was pulled to the side by my manager who shared with me that my work performance had changed and wanted to know if something had happened in my life. OH…It took it ALL for me to not pour out all my tears and heart.

I decided to speak with my licensing agent about my struggles. WELL…..He listened and provided comfort…even ministered to me in my time of need. Once he was done, He told me that HE is the one who would do my adoption home study. ( JAW DROPS) He emphasized to me how great of a mom I have been to my Stinky but under the circumstances of what’s been shared, He could not recommend me as an adoptive placement. He made it clear that it was MY choice to pursue but he did let his stance be known. I had been delaying the adoption paperwork for almost 2.5 weeks now. Stinky has been yelling at her teachers, throwing herself on the ground having fits….I even got called to pick her up from daycare because she threw a chair! This may be how some children are….but this had not been my Stinky since a YEAR ago. I look at her in disbelief……4 visits with mom…2 hrs…supervised…and here we are. So, NO…I didn’t want to do paperwork for adoption! I want to get my house settled. I want to be able to dress her without it turning into an ordeal before I had to a homestudy .
It was such a huge decision and my heart is heavy. However, I do understand the points of my licensing agent and I do need to take care of Catherine for a while. So, I decided to not go forward with adoption paperwork. I notified her caseworker who’s only response was that there was a form for me to sign saying that I will not adopt. (The rights of either parent has yet to be severed because it has to go to mediation and trial etc. )

Today the caseworker is coming over to have me sign this form. I have a heart of mixed emotions. When I attempt to look at the situation from the outside, I see a woman who prayed for direction. She spoke her heart to someone she didn’t realize had a hand in the decision, and who was also able to comfort and speak the Word of God to her in her hurt. God knew the weight and He took it off and hugged me. We still have a road ahead of us….and although it seems to be a blind walk..if I knew it all….I wouldn’t rely on Him, I couldn’t regrow my faith in Him, His timing, or His divine appointments. Despite how it may feel at times, knowing in part is a blessing.

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9 thoughts on “Knowing in Part

  1. Puddin, I’m sorry to read you’re having such a rough go of it. It is hard to be faced with such a tough decision and to make the one that is in your best interest, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Praying for your personal restoration. Hang in there and remember when there is only one set of footprints that He’s doing the heavy lifting.

  2. I was there…a year and a half ago. I let it go so far that my health suffered significantly, and docs said that exploratory surgery with something that “might work” was all they had left. I cried, I prayed, and I waited…I knew I had to let my two little ones go into the system again. I’d been with them, saved ones life (literally) and found theraputic resources for them…but my dad died from a heart attack brought on by stress, and it’s already ruined my life in so many health related ways. My husband said he’d never forgive me. A week later, my symptoms were dramatically reduced, and hubby realized that we were putting ourselves through more than either realized. A month later I was healthy, and knew that God had been with me through the decision process, and having faith, led me through it. Perhaps I was just supposed to be there for them at that time, and not necessarily forever. Only he knows, and we just have faith. God bless you through this hard part of life’s journey.

  3. You are doing what you can for that sweet baby, and that is all you can do. I cannot imagine how hard of a decision this must have been for you and my heart hurts for the pain you’ve endured. You might not be Stinky Fairy’s forever home, but you are most definitely the one who saved her life. Much, much love to you, and you will both continue to be in my prayers. ❤

  4. Puddin – You are going through and I am so sorry to hear it. This road is not always easy and I’ll be thinking about you as continue to love on Stinky through the rest of this journey.

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