Foster Care

The Undoing


If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I’ve had my Stinky for about 14 months. She initally had visits with bio parent for about 3 months on and off and then visits were stopped. She went 8 months without visits up until early September when the judge decided to restart visits with bio parent and initiate visits at the prison with the other bio parent. I was told the judge’s justification was that the case plan could not be “reunification” and yet not allow them to see their child. I was told that visits had ended because 1 bio parent was not complying to treatment plan (even up until now) and the other had an order of protection. So, I was in UTTER shock when the judge awarded visits to the parents to start ASAP.

It was work getting my Stinky to the place where she looked and was happy! She seemed carefree and like a child. She was so far from the lifeless, pale child who spoke about demons and screamed all throughout the night. It was 8 months before we seemed to be in “cruise control”. My Stinky only had FOUR 2 hr supervised visits with her bio parent and I am in awe of the effects. At first, it was like a heaviness was laid on her. She was so tearful and easily upset all the time. She was waking up crying during the night. I was thankful when she began to sleep throughout the night again. She made a very sexually graphic comment (and acted it out). It turns out CPS already had a report of her being around sexual activities. Why would I need to know, right?

Real quick: CPS was at my home the same day the allegation was made against me to the police. Fast foward to me contacting the police re: sexual remarks etc (at the direction of the case worker)…NO ONE has came to investigate, made a phone call….ZIP ..until a month later! The detective calls me twice and then apparently searches the database and contacts my parents’ home! She leads into the conversation saying,  ” I don’t want you to be worried, you’re not in trouble.”  Clearly, that is more appropriate than stating you are calling to initiate the investigation.


I have so much more to say regarding that whole interaction but I will just……breathe.

Moving on….we are about a month + out from the visits being stopped. My poor Stinky threw a tantrum that I have not seen since LAST November. She’s had 5 + pee accidents in a week. She had gone months & months without even 1 accident. She has become so oppositional and teary again. I think back on where she was and I just shake my head! I came into foster care to provide love, guidance and safety for a child at a time. I learned the limits of my protection when the judge decided against the professional recommendations of the therapist, GAL and the caseworker to restart the visits. I can’t protect her from the system. My voice only goes so far. My heart gets so heavy that I could not shield her and prevent the confusion, pain and saddness that a 3 year old can’t even articulate.  Everyone is quick to say she will bounce back but no one knows that for sure.  In her eyes,  she’s had Mommy taken at least 3 times. My heart aches for her as I try not to allow my own emotions and her  behaviors to sway my thoughts on adoption. I honestly don’t think I would even continue to do foster care. I just refuse to watch US set a child up to fail. We are the ones that are suppose to be protecting her. I can’t be a part of another childs undoing…


One thought on “The Undoing

  1. Praying for you and Stinky. My hat is off to you and other foster parents. Please know that those of us who are waiting for our placements are grateful for the work you do with our children. I know that I can’t find the words to thank my kiddo’s foster mom. Hang in there. When there’s only one set of footprints, he’s carrying us.

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