This is a picture of me dressed as a bride for Halloween. It’s amazing how we construct this timeline of events in our mind based off society, parents and our own desires. I have wanted to be a bride and then a mama for many many years. In my adult life, I am guilty of being critical and ungrateful towards my successes because I wasn’t a wife or mom. When I think about this, it seems so silly to had been wrapped up in this harmful way. When I became a foster mama (see first few blog posts), I was often questioned if it originated from my desire to be a mom and inability to just wait. I can tell you, being a single mom has not been easy, or always smooth. There are great days and difficult ones. There are doubts that run across my mind and days my heart ache is heavy. The case is slowly winding down and her family is no longer an option. (I learned today) It leaves me and mom who has been struggling and not meeting the minimal requirements these last 6+ months. I have a range of emotions and thoughts. Can we do this alone..forever? She’s clearly white and I’m black..how would her life be? How can I best protect her? Would I even be a good mom..for forever? The only certainty I have is that I love her and she’s happy. Yet, it doesn’t calm my thoughts. We weren’t on my timeline but I guess the best surprises never are… I just keep looking at her little face.